Struggling

I’m struggling with my thoughts
At odds with the picture that I see in my mind and the reality that parades in front of me
I’ve studied my actions and can’t figure out what I did to get so far off track
There’s nothing I would change, so maybe I’m oblivious to my own shortcomings
I’ve scanned the flags and none of them were red
Looked at clips of the past and nothing jumped out at me

Can I really be that blind
Why am I so at odds with a world of my own creation
There’s nothing specifically wrong and nothing I can say is right
There are just small discrepancies that drive me insane
They are so small that they would not be noticeable to anyone but me
But they are visible enough to wreck my already fragile brain

They ask why I cry in the corner
When there are so many others that have it so much worse
They don’t understand the times I count the stairs
The moments when the size of vase on the shelf causes me to go insane
I don’t care how it got there, all I know is that the few missing inches that I see in my mind’s eye
Make it enough to make me feel as if all hope is lost

I know that they say that these are problems created by my own mind
That nothing is wrong and that one crooked box on the tile is nothing to fret about
What they don’t understand is that the problem is in my mind and that’s the problem
I know that I’ve checked the door repeatedly
I still find it hard to take my eyes off the painting that seems to change each time I look at it
I know that it is hard to understand why stare into space, lost in my thoughts

I know that you see me writing everything down, because I will forget otherwise
You are obviously tired of me asking your name after the fifth time we’ve met
Yes, I’m sure you told me those things before
But, no I don’t recall the conversation at all
Let me check my notes
Yes, I have to read everything I see
You’re right, I do have a lot of questions

The picture in my head is that of a normal person
Unfortunately, normal was not in the cards for me
Sanity was probably on the table, but I forgot to pick it up
Sorry for making it so hard for you
Maybe now you have a glimpse of what it’s like for me
Only a glimpse though, cause I couldn’t possible drive you as crazy as I drive myself

So, yes, I’m struggling